Copyright © 2025 Jerry Dunne
First, we will look at a badly written short story beginning and point out its major craftsmanship flaws. Then we will look at the piece rewritten up to a suitable standard of craftsmanship and point out the difference to the first piece.
But before that, let’s get a few things straight.
When we write a story, in order to engage the reader, we write it in scenes. And to truly engage the reader, we bring them into the heart of the scene, where they will usually experience the action from the protagonist’s point of view (POV), whether in the first or the third person, so that we see everything only from a single character’s perspective. We must also employ here the concept of ‘SHOW not tell’, which means we don’t want to ‘tell’ what is happening. We want to SHOW what is happening. We always aim to show the most important parts of the scene that are plot-related. Generally, these are dramatic moments with some sort of ‘turning point’ for a main character (where a choice will have to be made by them in how best to move forward plot-wise due to the consequences of this ‘turning point’).
Here’s another issue to consider! And this applies to the inexperienced writer, in particular. When we start a story we feel the need to cram in a great deal of material from very early on. We feel the reader needs to know certain things and know them now. But, unfortunately, the more of this you shove in the more the story will slow, until, eventually, it may well come to a grinding halt. A good rule of thumb here is not to introduce character, or anything else for that matter, that is not necessary for the scene’s plot-related action. Much of what we believe ought to be included at this point can probably very easily be added in further downstream and be the better off for it. And let’s not forget to apply that to every scene.
Yes, we may use a certain amount of ‘exposition’ or ‘tell’, particularly in a novel, but it is important to remember that these aspects of the narrative must compliment the scene, not replace it, overawe it, slow it down unnecessarily, take the reader ‘out of the scene’, or spoil it in any other way.
Another point to bear in mind is to give a sense of trajectory to the story as soon as possible, particularly in a short story. Make the reader feel they are embarking on a journey that will not take too long to get going and also not take forever to arrive at the final destination. The advice offered above will certainly help with this. But be careful also of basic overwriting, a common mistake for any writer at any level. A rule of thumb here, similar to the above, is to keep everything plot-related, while trying not to over-write in any way, such as offer up too much description, or allow a character’s inner monologue to go rambling on unnecessarily.
Okay, all well and good in theory but no doubt you now want some examples. So let’s look at the badly written story beginning
A badly written story beginning
Paddy’s Beard – a children’s short story (for the middle reader)
Paddy was only ten years old and yet he had a beard, a lovely golden beard, a real one. His mum used to groom that beard for him every morning before he went to school and he loved her doing it for him so much. She would comb it out until it shone a lovely golden sheen. After which Paddy would stand in front of the mirror and admire himself to no end. Oh, he loved his facial hair so very very much! So, when Paddy first saw the new teacher walk into the room he was really shocked to see that this man had no hair anywhere in sight. Not even any eyebrows or eyelashes. There seemed to be no hair on that teacher whatsoever. And what an amazingly long nose, which was twitching away. He introduced himself as Mr Scalppen and he said how he hoped they’d all get on well together and have a pleasant time doing it, and all should go well as long as they behaved themselves. But he warned them he didn’t like hair. Then he sneezed and slime shot from his nostrils and blew all over the children, which left them feeling disgusted.
All that hair on the children’s heads was annoying Mr Scalppen, so he behaved in a really mean way to them. He opened a little box and threw insects over Maggie Pebble’s hair and told her she should go bald like him then she wouldn’t get lice in her hair. This terrified Paddy and the other children. You could tell the teacher got pleasure terrifying them. Mr Scalppen came up the classroom, getting closer to Paddy, going on about how horrible hair was and how he wouldn’t tolerate it at all, and if he even caught one hair out of place in the class then… well, they’d been warned. Then, eventually, he stood in front of Paddy and looked angry and shocked. He wanted to know if Paddy’s beard was a trick to tease him. Paddy said it wasn’t. The teacher pulled on the beard and Paddy screamed in pain. The teacher screamed out how the boy had glued it to his face. Maggie explained to the teacher that it was a real beard and that Paddy was famous for it. Then the teacher threw the rest of his box of insects over Paddy’s beard and the itching began. The teacher spun on his heels, heading back up the room. and telling Paddy to get rid of that beard by tomorrow. Or else.
*
Here we are not brought into the scene and SHOWN the world only from a single character’s perspective. The third person limited POV would have been ideal here and from Paddy’s perspective as he is the protagonist of the story and the new teacher the antagonist.
Now let’s look at ‘SHOW, not tell’ here. We are told how Mr Scalppen behaves toward the children but not SHOWN it properly, not in any real detail. We are told his behaviour terrifies Paddy and the other children, but how do we really know that? Why should we take the narrator’s word for it? Why doesn’t he SHOW it to us in concrete detail? Again, ‘You could tell the teacher got pleasure terrifying them’. How could we tell? Why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it SHOWN? Even something very simple like showing the teacher smiling while being cruel will suffice. ‘Pleasure’, ‘terrify’, these are abstract concepts. We cannot picture them very well. Don’t keep us at arm’s length by interpreting things for us in isolation, rather than SHOWING them to us, as well. Or we can even leave the abstract words out of it completely. So make the scene more visible! Let us see the things that matter! Make things vivid, clear, colourful and alive.
The easiest and strongest way of bringing character to life and giving it focus and immediacy is through direct speech. We have none of that here.
The start of the story is all ‘information dumping’. We do not need to know any of the below at this point. Reveal this sort of stuff as the story unfolds. We ae going to meet his mum in later scenes and we will see her grooming Paddy’s beard as part of the scene’s action.
Paddy was only ten years old and yet he had a beard, a lovely golden beard., a real one. His mum used to groom that beard for him every morning before he went to school and he loved her doing it for him so much. She would comb it out until it shone a lovely golden sheen. After which Paddy would stand in front of the mirror and admire himself to no end. Oh, he loved his facial hair so very very much!
We could have started the story with this:
When Paddy first saw the new teacher walk into the room he was really shocked to see that this man had no hair anywhere in sight. Not even any eyebrows or eyelashes.
*
Now we’ll look at the second version where we use third person limited POV, shred the ‘information dumping’ and use ‘SHOW, not tell’ effectively. The higher level of craftsmanship also allows us to structure the piece more effectively which in turn allows for an increase in excitement and tension.
A suitable standard of craftsmanship for a story beginning
Copyright © 2013 Jerru Dunne
Paddy let out the loudest gasp of all when the new teacher walked into the room.
The teacher’s well-polished bald head shone bright as the sunlight pouring in through the window. Even from the back of the room, Paddy noticed his chin was hairless and smooth like a beach pebble. Incredibly, he had no eyebrows, and when he blinked – no eyelashes. No eyelashes and no hair on his arms. Paddy had never seen a male teacher without hair crawling over his arms. There seemed to be no hair on that teacher whatsoever. Not on his head, face, or neck, and Paddy would’ve bet not on his hands either. He wore white gloves. And what an amazingly long nose! It was broad with two really large nostrils.
That nose was twitching like a rabbit’s.
“Good morning, children. I’m your new teacher, Mr. Scalppen. Let’s hope we get lots of work done together and that we have a pleasant time doing it. I’m sure if you all do as you’re told everything will be fine.”
He stared at the front row, and his voice jumped, “First off, though, I must warn you there’s something I can’t stand. I can’t stand hair!”
Paddy leaned right back in his seat.
The teacher faced the next row. “Hair makes me sneeze.” To prove it, his nose sniffled, and then, quick as a wink, those two large nostrils shot out a ferocious volley, “SSSSSSSSHH!” splattering the air about.
Vomit-yellow and pea-green-coloured gloop fell like bits of wet glistening confetti. Many wrinkled up their faces, wiping that horrid stuff off their cheeks and shirts. One girl tried to pull it out of her hair, but it got caught round her fingers where it stretched long, thin and sticky like a fresh cobweb. She kept on pulling, until finally it popped in two, one shiny part hanging over her brow.
Mr Scalppen took another step forward, glaring at those in the third row. “Hair attracts disgusting things like lice.” His eyes searched their faces, waiting for a comment. They remained silent. “You don’t believe me, do you? I bet you feel pretty good about yourselves with all that hair piled up on your heads like so much rubbish overspilling dustbins.”
Paddy’s stomach jumped up and made two somersaults.
Mr. Scalppen took out a small box from his pocket. He opened it, pinched something between his white-gloved fingers, and with a quick movement, threw it over Maggie Pebble’s hair.
She waved her arms about, screaming, “A nasty thing’s crawling in my hair!”
“Keep quite still! See what I mean, class. Hair attracts lice and other undesirable things.”
Maggie Pebble had beautiful chestnut curls, but Mr. Scalppen’s fingers moved through them as though searching through dirt. She shook and sobbed until he pulled that thing out of her hair.
Wriggling between his two fingers, he held it up. “Horrible.” He dropped it and stamped on it, and the class shivered as a blood stain appeared on the floor. He said to Maggie Pebble, “I suggest you become bald like me. Then you’ll have no problems like this. Bald heads don’t get lice, especially well-polished ones. Lice simply slide off.” And he added with his chin pointed out,” I don’t even have hair up my nostrils or in my earholes.”
Paddy’s throat went dry.
The new teacher’s eyes hardened like stone, scanning the trembling faces in the fourth row. His cruel smile showed the pleasure he got from scaring them. “I warn you I won’t tolerate loose hairs in my class. If I find a single hair lying about, whether in a textbook, on the blackboard, on the desk, on my clothes, or in my tea or food, anywhere at all, I’ll track down the hair’s owner and punish him or her severely.” He stabbed the air with his finger. “No one in this class will put a hair out of place while I’m around, and no one can say they haven’t been warned.”
Mr Scalppen stepped closer to the fifth row, the last one. Until that moment, Paddy had stayed hidden from the teacher’s view behind the other pupils. Now his eyes locked on Paddy and his jaw dropped.
Paddy Flynn was only ten, the same age as the others, but unlike them he had a long beard that stretched right down to his belly button. With the sunlight flooding the room, the beard glittered and winked like gold dust. It was thick and tough like a lion’s mane, yet to touch it was like touching the finest silk.
But Mr Scalppen’s face only darkened. “There’s always one,” he hissed. “Always one. Name, boy?”
Paddy gulped, “Paddy Flynn, sir.”
“Playing a joke on me, Mr. Paddy Flynn?”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“Wearing a trick beard to tease me?”
“No, sir. No trick beard.”
The teacher dashed forward, sniffling, grabbed the beard and wrenched upward. Paddy howled like a wolf as his feet shot off the ground and he dangled helplessly in the air.
“You’ve glued it to your face, you horrid boy,” Mr Scalppen roared.
Paddy fought back the tears and struggled to explain in a strangled voice, “It’s… not glued… my real… beard. Let go!”
The teacher’s eyes grew bigger. “Impossible. Can’t be real.”
Maggie Pebble jumped to Paddy’s rescue, crying out in a tiny voice, “Please, sir, it is a real beard. Paddy’s famous for it. He’s been on television twice and in the newspapers eight times. Every year he plays a brilliant Father Christmas. Small children come from miles around to touch his beard for luck and leave money in the charity box. We’ve a scrapbook to prove it.”
The teacher glanced from Paddy to Maggie, and then back to Paddy before dropping him on his seat.
Paddy rubbed at his burning chin while staring up at a face as stiff as carved wood. Then, that small box appeared again.
YIKES!
But Paddy’s legs didn’t spring up quick enough, and everything from that box scattered over his beard. A cry burst out of the boy, “UUUUURGH!” His fingers set to work immediately, hunting down the insects crawling about in his beard.
Mr Scalppen spun on his heels and marched up the room. “Paddy Flynn, you’ll get rid of that beard! I mean it. I’d better not see it tomorrow. Or else.”
*
End of the first scene of Paddy’s Beard, from the book of children’s short stories (9-12 age range) My Stinky Parents and Other Stories by Jerry Dunne.
*
Notice how seeing things from Paddy’s third-person POV brings us into the heart of the scene in a vivid and immediate way. Also, we now know where Paddy is situated in the classroom at all times, which is an important point to consider. It allows us as writers to think in greater structural detail about the scene.
Even from the back of the room, Paddy noticed his chin was hairless and smooth like a beach pebble.
Paddy observes the teacher coming slowly up the room toward him, dealing nastily with other children on the way, and we can see and feel the tension this causes Paddy from his own perspective, which increases the tension and excitement for us.
Paddy’s stomach jumped up and made two somersaults.
Paddy’s throat went dry.
We feel that the real showdown is yet to come and will be between Paddy and the new teacher, so we wait expectantly for this to happen.
And only when Mr Scalppen’s eyes lock on Paddy do we find out about Paddy’s beard. We did not get ‘information dumping’ earlier on like in the piece above. This sudden revelation helps create even more tension. Also, here we are SHOWN the new teacher’s reaction when he first sees Paddy’s beard.
Mr Scalppen stepped closer to the fifth row, the last one. Until that moment, Paddy had stayed hidden from the teacher’s view behind the other pupils. Now his eyes locked on Paddy and his jaw dropped.
And we are SHOWN the new teacher’s cruelty through a solid description of his cruel action.
Mr. Scalppen took out a small box from his pocket. He opened it, pinched something between his white-gloved fingers, and with a quick movement, threw it over Maggie Pebble’s hair.
She waved her arms about, screaming, “A nasty thing’s crawling in my hair!”
“Keep quite still! See what I mean, class. Hair attracts lice and other undesirable things.”
This version gives us direct speech so we are able to bring the characters to life in an immediate way. Direct speech also helps break up the narrative and so helps with pacing.
Mr Scalppen took another step forward, glaring at those in the third row. “Hair attracts disgusting things like lice.” His eyes searched their faces, waiting for a comment. They remained silent. “You don’t believe me, do you? I bet you feel pretty good about yourselves with all that hair piled up on your heads like so much rubbish overspilling dustbins.”
We have a lot more plot-related description in this version which brings the reader deeper into the scene, helps make the scene more vivid and dramatic and also build greater tension.
Vomit-yellow and pea-green-coloured gloop fell like bits of wet glistening confetti. Many wrinkled up their faces, wiping that horrid stuff off their cheeks and shirts. One girl tried to pull it out of her hair, but it got caught round her fingers where it stretched long, thin and sticky like a fresh cobweb. She kept on pulling, until finally it popped in two, one shiny part hanging over her brow.
We also get a strong sense of trajectory in the story, especially as the conflict ends on the inciting incident. We feel a strong plot coming and also know that Paddy will have his work cut out for him in dealing with this maniac of a new teacher.
Quickly summing up
Placing these two drafts side by side, I think it is obvious now what is required of the writer in order to produce a scene which is of a publishable standard. One is too detached and vague to be of much use in attracting and holding the reader’s attention for very long. The other is vividly scene focused with a strong dramatic impact on the reader’s senses.
Links:
The story’s 3-act plot arc structure
Emotion and the story’s plot arc
Pace the story
From stereotype to rounded character with speed and ease
CLCK HERE FOR THE SCRIPT & SHORT STORY READING SERVICES PAGE